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Before I begin, I kindly want to reiterate that if you happen to cry while reading this post (or any other), remind yourself that letting emotions out or crying is healthy. Additionally, showing your support by reading these posts is a demonstration of empathy towards us while honouring Zackaël’s life.
I sincerely want to thank those of you who took the time to write a comment on my Youtube video, I really appreciate it since it took me a long time to create it! As you may know, Youtube’s algorithm is based on the user’s feedback, in addition to the “likes”. Without a certain number of comments, my video will not show up in searches due to the videos’ search rankings. Thank you in advance to those of you who will add a comment (doesn’t have to be long!), share the video and click “Like” on both videos (French and English).
Monday November 1st
My first week of November was certainly eventful and filled with emotions. To begin, Monday November 1st started with a dysphoric dream that woke me up at 3 a.m..
It had been a while since I had this kind of dream about Zackaël. Since the accident, I must have had about 15 to 20 such dreams. In contrast, Carl has not really experienced these kinds of dreams, perhaps only once. It is interesting how much it happens to me more often. The type of dream I am referring to is when the dream is about a loved one, only to wake up upset, with so many emotions that it becomes impossible to fall back asleep. To give you an idea, here is the description of my dream.
Zackaël was sleeping peacefully in a bed that was unfamiliar to me. Standing by his left side, I was watching him from a distance. Having just learned that he was going to die, I was given the option to go to see him or let him sleep. (Side note: I don’t know where I was or whom was the person who gave me this option).
It was his last night alive. I felt an immense pressure to make a decision (to go see him or not). My heart was struggling; it was very painful. Finally, I decided to go see him for the last time. I approached him. My shadow and my presence woke him up. He opened his eyes and smiled at me but quickly squinted his eyes. He kindly asked me to “dim the light” because it was too bright for his tired little eyes that had just opened. – and that’s when I woke up.
Awoken in distress, it took about 30 minutes to manage my emotions and 1.5 hour to fall back to sleep. How trauma affects dreams is a subject that I plan to cover in this blog.
Consequently, crying came easily throughout the day. Oddly enough, later that same day, Zackaël’s headstone was being installed at the cemetery. Furthermore, by coincidence (or not), November 1st is All Souls Day, the beginning of the month of the dead, and in some countries the day to honour deceased children or Day of the Little Angels (“Día de los Angelitos”).
Día de los Angelitos happens the day before the big events of November 2 because it’s said the spirits of the children are so eager to come back to the land of the living, that they run ahead of the adults, who arrive a night later.
https://danestrom.com/dia-de-los-angelitos-remembering-children-day-dead/
It is as if Zackaël came to visit me in my dreams and reminded me “Maman, I’m still here”… the day that “spirits of the children come back” as quoted above. And it’s not that I thought about the meaning of November 1st or the headstone before I went to bed that night, I only realized it later in the week. As always, I tell him “Of course, mon lapin d’amour’ you are always here, in my heart”.
Later that same day, I also received the new stickers and panels I had ordered in honour of Zackaël (again, not planned, I got them a week earlier than expected). The panels are for the roadside memorial and the front of our house. As for the stickers, they can be placed on hockey helmets. I gave one to each player on Maxandre’s team. If you would like a sticker for your or you child, send me a message and I will be happy to keep some for you (even if you never got to know him)!
As for the panels, they will display other pictures of Zackaël. This is an example of the first panel and last year’s set up I had prepared. I will prepare something again this year.
Tuesday November 2
The following day, with my mom in town, we had taken the opportunity to plan a lunch with aunts and uncles on my mother’s side. After lunch, we visited, for the first time, the headstone at the cemetery that had just been installed. My emotions weren’t too high, probably because I cried my eyes out the day before. Next week, I will write another post about the tombstone with more information (location and photos etc.).
Wednesday November 3
On Wednesday November 3, I visited the accident site for the first time. Carl went last year to install the monument with the help of his friends. Since my mother was in town and because we got the new panel, we decided last minute that we go all together.
My next post will include my experience at the accident site. I plan to include photos of the additions we made at the site, as well as my overall impressions of this region of the Outaouais (MRC de Papineau). Here is the link to Carl’s post from last year when he visited.
That’s it for now!
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