November is here

Pour la version originale de cette publication (version française), cliquez ici.

Before I begin, I kindly want to reiterate that if you happen to cry while reading this post (or any other), remind yourself that letting emotions out or crying is healthy. Additionally, showing your support by reading these posts is a demonstration of empathy towards us while honouring Zackaël’s life.

I sincerely want to thank those of you who took the time to write a comment on my Youtube video, I really appreciate it since it took me a long time to create it!  As you may know, Youtube’s algorithm is based on the user’s feedback, in addition to the “likes”. Without a certain number of comments, my video will not show up in searches due to the videos’ search rankings. Thank you in advance to those of you who will add a comment (doesn’t have to be long!), share the video and click “Like” on both videos (French and English).

Monday November 1st

My first week of November was certainly eventful and filled with emotions. To begin, Monday November 1st started with a dysphoric dream that woke me up at 3 a.m..

It had been a while since I had this kind of dream about Zackaël. Since the accident, I must have had about 15 to 20 such dreams. In contrast, Carl has not really experienced these kinds of dreams, perhaps only once. It is interesting how much it happens to me more often. The type of dream I am referring to is when the dream is about a loved one, only to wake up upset, with so many emotions that it becomes impossible to fall back asleep. To give you an idea, here is the description of my dream.

Zackaël was sleeping peacefully in a bed that was unfamiliar to me. Standing by his left side, I was watching him from a distance. Having just learned that he was going to die, I was given the option to go to see him or let him sleep. (Side note: I don’t know where I was or whom was the person who gave me this option).

It was his last night alive. I felt an immense pressure to make a decision (to go see him or not). My heart was struggling; it was very painful. Finally, I decided to go see him for the last time. I approached him. My shadow and my presence woke him up. He opened his eyes and smiled at me but quickly squinted his eyes. He kindly asked me to “dim the light” because it was too bright for his tired little eyes that had just opened. – and that’s when I woke up.

Awoken in distress, it took about 30 minutes to manage my emotions and 1.5 hour to fall back to sleep. How trauma affects dreams is a subject that I plan to cover in this blog.

Consequently, crying came easily throughout the day. Oddly enough, later that same day, Zackaël’s headstone was being installed at the cemetery. Furthermore, by coincidence (or not), November 1st is All Souls Day, the beginning of the month of the dead, and in some countries the day to honour deceased children or Day of the Little Angels (“Día de los Angelitos”).

Día de los Angelitos happens the day before the big events of November 2 because it’s said the spirits of the children are so eager to come back to the land of the living, that they run ahead of the adults, who arrive a night later.

It is as if Zackaël came to visit me in my dreams and reminded me “Maman, I’m still here”… the day that “spirits of the children come back” as quoted above. And it’s not that I thought about the meaning of November 1st or the headstone before I went to bed that night, I only realized it later in the week. As always, I tell him “Of course, mon lapin d’amour’ you are always here, in my heart”.

Later that same day, I also received the new stickers and panels I had ordered in honour of Zackaël (again, not planned, I got them a week earlier than expected). The panels are for the roadside memorial and the front of our house. As for the stickers, they can be placed on hockey helmets. I gave one to each player on Maxandre’s team. If you would like a sticker for your or you child, send me a message and I will be happy to keep some for you (even if you never got to know him)!

As for the panels, they will display other pictures of Zackaël. This is an example of the first panel and last year’s set up I had prepared. I will prepare something again this year.

Last year’s Vigil (in front of our house)

Tuesday November 2

The following day, with my mom in town, we had taken the opportunity to plan a lunch with aunts and uncles on my mother’s side. After lunch, we visited, for the first time, the headstone at the cemetery that had just been installed. My emotions weren’t too high, probably because I cried my eyes out the day before. Next week, I will write another post about the tombstone with more information (location and photos etc.).

Wednesday November 3

On Wednesday November 3, I visited the accident site for the first time. Carl went last year to install the monument with the help of his friends. Since my mother was in town and because we got the new panel, we decided last minute that we go all together.

My next post will include my experience at the accident site. I plan to include photos of the additions we made at the site, as well as my overall impressions of this region of the Outaouais (MRC de Papineau). Here is the link to Carl’s post from last year when he visited.

That’s it for now!
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19 responses to “November is here”

  1. Elaine Avatar

    Brigitte et Carl…J’ai pensé à vous tous aujourd’hui. Merci d’avoir partagé cette photo de votre petit ange endormi. Elle est très touchante.

  2. Wendy Avatar

    Thinking of you and Carl and your family today, on this most difficult of days. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

    1. Brigitte Lehoux Avatar

      thank you Wendy

  3. Micheline Lehoux Avatar
    Micheline Lehoux

    Bonjour Brigitte je sais que demain sera une journée difficile pour toi comme toute les fois où la date arrive mais Zachael va t’entourer de son amour dans ton cœur ❤ sache que mes pensées seront pour toi et ta famille

  4. Micheline Lehoux Avatar
    Micheline Lehoux

    Très beau ton texte Brigitte très touchant ton rêve moi j’aimerais rêver à ma belle Catherine . Mais ça ne se produit pas . Je parle souvent avec son fils dans la semaine alors peux être qu’elle me laisse dormir la nuit mais j’aimerais parfois rêver à elle. Tu sais Brigitte demain sera une journée importante alors je vais penser fort à toi et merci pour tes belles publications

  5. Grampa Avatar

    I have had dreams about Zackael that includes his presence. It can be more intense and often includes a mother figure hovering above him. No doubt, Brigitte. We miss him and he remains significant presence in our hearts.

  6. Janelle Avatar

    Ma très chère Brigitte,
    Depuis que j’ai tourné la page de mon calendrier au mois de novembre, je pense à Zackaël (et à toi, et à toute ta famille). Je n’ai jamais vécu de deuil aussi intense que celui de la perte d’un enfant, mais ça me touche toujours énormément de te lire. Tu es bonne de continuer à parler de ton ange Zackaël… je lis toutes tes publications et je vais continuer à te lire. Avec tout mon amour, Janelle xoxo

    1. Brigitte Lehoux Avatar

      merci énormément Janelle de continuer à lire toutes mes publications et à penser à Zackaël. Merci aussi de ton appui et de vouloir continuer à apprendre sur notre famille et sur Zackaël, ça me touche beaucoup. J’espère que vous allez bien. xox

  7. Denver Avatar

    We think and talk about Zack all the time, but especially during the month or November. He is so very missed by everyone who he touched with his bright presence and love for life . He will never be forgotten 💚

    1. Brigitte Lehoux Avatar

      Thanks so much Denver for your kind words and your thoughts of Zackaël. You are right, he’s so missed, his smile and kindness are always in my head. All the best this week, thinking of you 💚

  8. Claude-Hélène Lehoux Avatar
    Claude-Hélène Lehoux

    Commentaire très touchant Brigitte, moi aussi il m’arrive de rêver de mes parents. Avec affection, Claude-Hélène Lehoux

    1. Brigitte Lehoux Avatar

      merci chère cousine de ton commentaire et pour ton partage. J’espère que les rêves de tes parents te font du bien. 💚

  9. Veronica Avatar

    Dreams are very powerful. I understand why you are so distraught when you first wake up. It is good you understand letting your emotions out is healthy. You will always have a hole in your heart, with the loss of Zackael. Thank you for sharing.

  10. Tanya H. Avatar
    Tanya H.

    I’ve always treasured dreams of my dead loved ones. Waking up to reality is a painful shock, but the brief respite from loss is can be what’s needed sometimes.
    As wrenching as they are, I hope you find comfort in your dreams, and in all the things you do to keep your son’s memory close.

    1. Brigitte Lehoux Avatar

      Thank you for your message. I have conflicted emotions about my dreams with Zackaël. Sometimes I wish I could see him more in my dreams, but at the same time, I know that I will wake up with a painful shock, like you are mentioning. Thank you for sharing Tanya.

    2. St-Amour Avatar

      Bonjour Brigitte, je crois qu’il n’y a rien au hasard. C’est certain qu’il est votre Ange Gardien ou bien votre guide spirituel. Je crois que tu es plus a l’écoute du monde spirituelle que ton conjoint et que c’est pour cela qu’il arrive a se faire comprendre par toi. Merci de ton partage. Merci a ce bel Ange que ton fils. J’aimerais bien avoir un macaron de ton fils. Bien a toi Renée

      1. Brigitte Lehoux Avatar

        merci Renée pour ton commentaire! Oui, ça ne semble pas être un hasard. Je n’ai jamais pensé au côté spirituelle (moi vs mon mari), mais ça fait du sens ce que tu dis. Je te garde un auto-collant de mon fils! Merci de tout coeur pour ton appui.

  11. Margaret Lesarge Avatar
    Margaret Lesarge

    Brigitte your darling Zackael visited you in your dream. I often dream about my son, Paul, who died over 5 years ago. Like you, I cry and I want to see him and hug him again. Icry, and I will cry until I die. I will never stop missing him so I understand what you are experiencing. An unexpected death with no time to say good by. In this month of the Holy Souls in my mind I visit the graves of my dear ones, pray that their souls Rest In Peace and ask them to pray for me.. we each grieve in our own way.

    1. Brigitte Lehoux Avatar

      An unexpected death of a child is so tragic and leaves us with a hole in our heart forever. Thank you for your message and your experience as a grieving mother. Much love.

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